Who I am
by MoneButterfly
Summary: To lose someone you love is the worse thing that can happen.


Who I am

* * *

It had rained the night before and the grass was now making the bottom of her jeans wet as she walked down the aisles of the big cemetery with a bundle of daffodils in her hand. When she reached the right grave she kneeled in front of it and laid the flowers in the grass by the tombstone. She moved her long black hear behind her ears and, for a moment, she just looked at the tombstone without doing anything, but then she ran her fingers over the lettering and sighed, "Hey dad."

She sighed again looking over her shoulder at her mom, who was standing by the car smiling and nodding for her to go on. "I hate this," she whispered and turned back to look at the tombstone, but was hit with a light sense of guilt. "No offence dad, I just don't see how me talking to a stone is going to help, but mom thought it was a good idea and if makes her happy I can't see why I shouldn't just do it. So here I am, talking to a stone." She rolled her eyes and cleared her throat. "I brought you a bundle of daffodils. I know you hate white roses after Haley died and daffodils are my favorites. And also red roses are kind of mom's flower and lilies are Marie's. I remember mom telling me that you went out brought red roses for her and daffodils for me then I was born."

She looked slightly down as she felt her eyes starting to burn. _For God sake! It's just a stone, it doesn't care if I am crying, _she thought and looked back up.

"I know that mom has probably told you this a long time ago, but now that we are talking about the whole birth and flowers thing I thought I should tell you that Jack and Katelyn got married and they have a little girl. Her name is Josephine and she will be two in December." She shook her head. "But when Katelyn had given birth to Josephine Jack went out and brought them red rose and daisies, so now daisies are Josephine's flower and I couldn't bring them either. I know it's silly, but… that is just how I feel. If I bring you any of the other flowers I would just begin to symbolize them with death like you did with the white roses."

She placed her hands on her knees and rubbed them back and forth.

"Marie got an A+ in math last week. I think she has been spending too much time with Reid, because she never used to be good at math, but is guess it's a good thing, because I wouldn't be able to help her anymore now then I'm leaving for college in two weeks. I got into Yale, just like mom. I don't know what my major is going to be yet. I would like to study Criminal Justice and then join the FBI like you and mom, but at the same time you always told me to keep singing. Can you remember what your team used to say? They said I should become the first crime fighting singer in the world, I like the idea of that."

She sighed.

"Mom is working very hard like always, but on matter how busy she is, she always finds the time to buy flowers and bring them here at least a couple times a week. Jack keeps trying to convince her to retire, but she won't. She says she too young for that and it will be too boring to be at home all day. I understand… there is no need for her to be at home. Jack moved away from home 7 years ago, I leave in two weeks and Marie is 14 and is more than capable of taking care of herself."

She laughed a little and ran her hand through her hair.

"Mom's got a new friend," she said with a low giggle. "It's about time. It has been four years and both Jack and I think it's good if she starts dating, but Marie doesn't like the idea of getting a stepdad. But she doesn't have to worry, mom and Adam are only friends and I don't think they every will become more, and anyways he knows you are the love of her live."

She slowly ran her fingers over the tombstone's lettering. Aaron Hotchner: Beloved husband and father, friend and colleague. November 2th, 1966 – May 21th, 2026.

"I know you want to apologize, dad, for every bad thing that has happened in our lives, but you need to understand that I have never wanted for things to be different. You and mom may have been away for home a lot, but you were trying to make the world a safer place for us and we have always known that and been grateful for it. So promise you won't apologize, because you have made me who I am."

She leaned her head back and closed her eyes. She smiled then she felt the sun on her face and a single tear ran down her cheek. She opened her eyes slowly remembering what her dad used to tell her then he went away on a case, _"Can you be a big girl and take good care of mom and Marie and make sure Jack doesn't get into too much trouble while I'm gone?"_ Then he would kiss her on the nose and leave and even as she got older their little ritual never changes. He would still asked her to be a big girl and kiss her nose, and she would still look out the window watching him drive away and wishing he would be back soon.

Closing her eyes again she whispered, "I'm taking good care of them, daddy, I promise."

She jumped a bit then she felt a hand on her shoulder.

"Are you ready to go, Malena?"

She nodded and got up, but before she left she kissed the top of her fingers and then touched the head of the tombstone. "I miss you."

Emily looked at Malena as she walked back to the car and got in and then kneeled at the same spot her daughter had been sitting in a moment ago.

"I told you I could convince her to come, didn't I, Aaron? Well, convince may be an understatement. I told her that if she wanted to go to college she had to come here, otherwise I wouldn't pay for it and then she yelled at me for about 20 minutes before locking herself in her room for three days. I actually had to call Jack so he could convince her to come out. Can you believe it? Mal went three days without food; I never thought that that would ever happen."

Emily sighed.

"Malena hasn't been handling all this too well. In the first couple of month after you died you weren't death to her, you were just away on a case, making the world a better place for her and the others. Now she has moved on, accepted that you aren't here, but she still misses you so much, that's very she wouldn't come here."

Emily looked at her clock.

"I'm sorry Aaron, but I have to go now. Mal and I are going to the mall to buy the last things she needs before leaves for college, but don't worry about her, she will back."


End file.
